Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…