Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

A roof is a house hat.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

good work, detective

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.