Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.