Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
the short answer to this question
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?