Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.