Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.