Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Heroic Misunderstanding
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.