Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…