Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything