Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?