Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Eat…
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I forgot how to panic. Help
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
