Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

i choose….tongue

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS