Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

i hope this email finds you fast and furious