Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!