Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

me when i smell free food in the break room

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.