Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.