Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Wikigenius
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
💀💀💀💀
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.