Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.