Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
iPhone X
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
not to brag, but mine was free
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
this will hang in the louvre one day
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house