Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
“How’s your day going?”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?