“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
black phone good
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.