“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.