Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Aight bet

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.