Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea


When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”


Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.


So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.


Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.


DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol


ME: you want a sugar cube?



That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”