Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*