Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….

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How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.


Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.


If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.


It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.


I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.


Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!


Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second


INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?


If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.


other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful

me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean