How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.
Either the dude in the bathroom was having a surprise birth, or he needs to eat a LOT less hay in his diet….
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful
me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean