WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
respect
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.