Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
good work, detective
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
lol