Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
being a writer on Twitter:
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
*sewing*
A thread
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.