Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

LOL

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.