Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
We have a winner.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I’m an avid indoorsman.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?