Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Winnipeg!!
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.