Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The police never think its as funny as you do.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.