Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
looks legit
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
