Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My sex drive has a dui
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.