Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.