Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you