Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
early stone age tool
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.