Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later