Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…