Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand