Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Twitter remains undefeated

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again