Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?