Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over