Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
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[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…