Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.