El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.