Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

Happy birthday to all the women

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.