Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”