elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The news is so predictable nowadays
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.