elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Love it! 👍😂
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
