elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez