elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood