*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.