*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.