*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”