*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection