Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.