Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
![]()
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
![]()
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis