Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Finally! 😈

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.