Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
You Might Also Like
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
aura
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas