Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.