Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”