Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
![]()
You Might Also Like
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
![]()
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
![]()
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.