Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
me and the Superbowl rn
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE