Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

How dramatic are you?

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

[shakes fist at other fist]

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.