Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
shakira sharkira
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now