Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You Might Also Like
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.