Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
#SuperBowl
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Spell check is for lasers.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Thinking about Jeff
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen