Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.