Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

what

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

We decided to have money instead of children.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Noted.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

lol

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*