Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman