Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
