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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*looks at you in batman voice*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
