Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Breaking news:
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica