Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.