Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Huge if true.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?